You know, most books dealing with dementias tend to be technical, somber, memoir-like. It can be difficult to read many of them because they help us as guides to tend to the needs of the one we have who is afflicted with the disease, be it Alzheimer’s, Vascular, Lewy Body, Parkinson’s, or any of the others. So I wasn’t sure when I saw the title of this work as to whether or not I really wanted to delve into some of the darker reaches of the disease. But, it was listed as a best-seller, so I thought I’d give it a shot - after all, it wasn’t that expensive as a kindle book, but then I also added it to my Audible library. I’m so glad I did.
The author, Jacqueline Marcell (who also performs the Audible book) had been working as a producer, among other titles, in the entertainment industry in Los Angeles. Her parents, retired, lived in Northern California - somewhere around the Bay Area. They had a good relationship, and when she found herself out of a job and her parents sent an SOS, she realized she had the time and the means to zoom up north and help them out.
Wow! She was unprepared for what was to come. What must have been a complete nightmare is expressed with a generous amount of humor and tenderness. What makes it even better is the events touched a nerve with me in the truths that were revealed and dealt with, even if the situations were quite different from mine own.
There is love and compassion, embarrassment - be it dark and tender (you may understand if you’ve read it) or just outright truthful, but overall Ms. Marcell outlines the story of a child discovering how to handle a medical system that has no interest in involving itself when it should be dragging the bull by its horns.
She is confronted with how to manage her father's driving? Honestly, this seems to be one of the more difficult aspects of caring for someone in their own home - especially if they are in denial. She uses a club on the steering wheel, which is brilliant - I'd not even thought of this!
Then there are the tales that seem so true - but really aren't. I had tried to think of ways to get someone in with Mom but knew they'd be kicked to the curb in no time, if they even made it through the front door.
The hallucinations, the hoarding, the need for control - are all there. There is even the physical abuse that comes from the frustration. There is so much in here that is relatable! Of course, we all have our own spins on what has occurred, but it's so nice to read that someone else is struggling, as well, and making it work!
The denial of the father that anything is wrong becomes quite a problem - it doesn’t help he has an anger management problem that keeps resurfacing and becomes one of the greatest obstacles in Jacqueline’s attempts to get help for both her folks. Believe me, when I tell you that this anger and denial is real - it happens and pits you between the one(s) you grew up to honor and obey as parent(s) and your need to begin to parent them. It’s truly heartbreaking, but when you hear this story (completely relatable) and compare it to your own experiences, then you really understand.
What really caught me was the lack of help from the medical community; they refused to listen and provide any guidance or help. I can recall Mom’s doctors phoning me for help when I had no idea what was going on. So, this series of events really touched me. Had it not been the realization of the final doctor we had telling me Mom needed to be placed in observation I’d have never really had an idea of what to do - the rest of our story fell into place; for Ms. Marcell, though, the story just continues - that is until she is led to the Alzheimer’s Association.
Once she begins working through the information and finds resources she realizes the nightmare may finally be over. Our journey took another path, but I hear it all the time how lost people are without the right resources or guidance to find out what they can do for their loved ones.
The appendix of the book is rife with resources (in the Kindle version, these are accessed by tapping the links - I’ve no idea about the print versions), as the author wishes to help others who might be finding themselves in similar plights with no angels in sight.
While this book may, at times, seem as though it’s a bit too entertaining, stick with it. Remember, humor is something that is necessitated by the circumstances in order to maintain good mental health for the caregivers and family.
I would recommend this book as it helps the reader understand more of the struggles more of us contend with than are willing to admit. As our elders begin to lose their independent abilities they also begin to find elements of life frightening, and they just can’t understand they why or how of the adjustments.
I’ll be interested to hear how others find this book. I do know of people who have enjoyed and learnt a great deal from the others I’ve posted in the Recommended Reading section of this blog and hope this one will join the canon.
Elder Rage - or - Take My Father...Please. Marcell, Jacqueline. Impressive Press. 2001.
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