Knowing When to Choose the Option of Memory Care

Remembering the hellish nightmare that happened 2 years ago sometimes gives me pause.

I consider the options that should have been available to us, but the doctors were adamant - Memory Care!
Mom was on the verge of being in the right spot with memory care, but she could also have mistakenly been placed into a foster care or assisted living facility, which would have been tantamount (at that time) to arresting Osama Bin Laden and putting him on house arrest - it simply would not have been successful in any notion.

Part of the problem is that, sadly, most people in the field still don't comprehend Lewy Body Dementia;  they seem to stick to Alzheimer's and put LBD under the umbrella, even though it's on a bench across the park path.   I was cautioned of this when I began seeking another physician for Mom - I was told that one of the services would come to assess her and would undoubtedly find her better suited to an assisted care facility or foster home.   So, I began working things out and made some calls.  Fortunately nothing stopped us.

Everytime I go in to her facility I see family members visiting with their loved ones.  There are those who are "dumped" by their families, for whatever reason, and this seems unconcienable.  However, the staff and many of the other residents become their kith and kin, despite their loneliness.

I do remember thinking it might be best for Mom and her next door neighbor, Charlie, to condense into one house and rent out the other, but both Charile and Mom thought it an awful idea.  Charlie said something about homocide and Mom said something about not wanting another person to care for (when it was she I was worried about).  

Next, I thought we should find some Visiting Angels to come help her with some chores, to take the angst out.  When I mentioned this she scoffed and told me they wouldn't get past the front door.  She took this as an affront to her indepence and capabilities.

I could think of nothing else.

When she was remanded to the hospital for evaluation I did a self-inventory as to whether or not I could survive the seas of taking care of Mom - she had seemed completely lost without me when I was about; I had no peace during those last months, and it was obvious she needed something.  Mentally and psychically I wasn't ready or up to the job.  My brothers were very good about helping me see this.

So, then came the only option - Memory Care.  This was actually easy when I focused and locked in without really giving it any emotional power.  After moving her in, and taking care of everything else, that's when the shoe fell.    It's much better now.

But I hear people  who are falling apart and cannot fathom placing their loved ones in a facility.  

What are Their Options? 

1.  Adult Day Care.
     This is actually a wonderful way for you both to take a vacation from each other.  They have lots of stimulation, food, and activities to occupy them, while you are able to meet with friends, shop, or just go home and sleep and relax until pick up time.

2.  In Home Nursing Care. 
     This, too can give you a break.  You might even have someone who spends the nights with the patient while you sleep in another room;  this way you might be able to get a good night's rest.   This could be expensive, but MedicAid may help.

While the above two might provide some help, they will not provide the consistent means to monitor and care for the patient.  When your health and mental well-being are faltering, you've really not much choice.  I've seen many people heart sick over making such a determination, and they spend a great deal of time with their loved ones, and many times they begin to heal themselves.  That's why the following two options are ones that many begin to investigate with much fear and trepidation:

3.  Assisted Living.
     Oh yes.  This would mean moving them away.  While they're still independent this is a good option - insofar as many daily routines.  However, when the patient becomes incontinent, or begins to have troubles with movement, etc., then this option is off the table.    This can be expensive!  but depending on the package and the placement, you might be able to find some help through insurance or MedicAid.   This is also an option when the patient begins to lose balance, this may also be an option.


4.   Memory Care.
      There are some wonderful placements out there; I'd have to admit Mom is in one.  Many can be quite expensive - I know a woman who's husband's placement in just Assisted Living is more than twice the amount spent on Mom's care per month, and she is quite unhappy with what she's finding.  I'd hate to know what she may end up spending on Memory Care.
      Memory Care is the last resort, in most cases.  However, if they provide good palliative care, and tend to all the residents' needs, then you are doing quite well.  They do compete with one another, and this is a good thing in many respects.
       I see all types of activities in Mom's care facility.  They have freedom of movement, lots of light, wide-open spaces, a bountiful garden with benches and space and a path to the other cottage, should they choose to wander in and take a gander.

When is it time?

When you are at risk of becoming ill and can no longer care for yourself, let alone another.

I hope you found some help in the above, or it began to help you think of other options which could help.  

Why Memory Care Works for Mom

I remember years ago Mom would always say, "If I ever become mentally frail, or something happens, I want you to swear to me you'll never put me into one of those places."  She meant a nursing home/memory care facility.  "They're just places where people dump their parents and never visit them, and take away their will to live!"

 Honestly, those words still haunt my world.  Not as they would had it been many years earlier but in a different fashion.   Now those words haunt me because I realize it would have meant my own mental and physical destruction to have her live with me.

 Don't get me wrong.  I love my mother,  not only out of fealty, but also because, for better or worse, she is the one who mentored my brothers and myself.  She was a force to be reckoned with, and can be still.

I recall watching movies with her in which the mother was smothering and controlling.  At one stage, Mom would comment that the woman was going to make her spawn weak, but then as she grew older Mom saw nothing wrong with such behavior.   This put dread deep into my very blood, as this would be what Mom would become if she hadn't already.

Perhaps her power grabs in the latter years seemed reasonable to us from her earlier behaviors and they held no real concern as this was just who she was - demanding, annoying, bitter, and controlling.  A visit from her would be exhausting as you never knew what type of manipulation would come with it.   A change of a major plan for any reason meant that any plans made on my part would be canceled to accommodate her whims; it didn't matter if this cancelation was on her part or someone else's.   Our lives were to serve her wants.  <sigh>

Approximately 10 years ago she began suggesting I sell my house and buy a home with her in the Portland area that we could share <shudder>.  I could have a small basement apartment and we would do everything together.  I told her I'd rather stick sharp blades in my eyes.  She replied that I just didn't understand how much fun and wonderful it would be.  The truth is I did understand how wonderful for her it would be as I put my life on hold for her.

After she caught my house on fire (which she vehemently denied but demanded I thank her for the new kitchen - welcome to the Mater Logic) this truly became a no-go idea.  My brothers were on tenterhooks when she visited as they worried about the safety of their own homes and the aftermath.  Mom harangued me for weeks, as a third of my house was gutted and my dogs and I were forced to move out for over a month, because it was taking too long for the problem to be remedied.  Finally, on Christmas Day she paid a visit and saw the empty space with the freshly delivered cabinets in their boxes.  This seemed to stop her in her tracks.

From then on, there seemed to be a slow slide downhill.  I was beginning to realize that there was a very good chance I would need to have Mom live with me, or make a life choice of moving to be with her.  Neither option seemed viable, but then I've always believed that there is always the adaptable component of being an animal, and sometimes things work out for the best.

People were speaking to me about Mom's driving.  "Take away her keys!" they'd tell me.  Ha!  She'd not only walk down and get another set, but she'd never speak to me again (despite how she treated me there was something about being disowned I liked less)!

Then the miracle occured.  I received the final call from the doctor telling me she needed to be in observation as her state of mind was not one that could be left unchecked.  She was no longer allowed to live on her own.  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  We had already arranged a consult with the doctor (my brother and I) and as the time progressed that week, and I spent time with Mom the realization that she couldn't come back to her home was imminent.

My brothers urged me to find a placement in a facility for her, as did the doctors at the geri-psych ward.  I sought those which I believed would be cost-friendly, would take MediCare if necessary, and had open spaces, as well as being Catholic.  To be honest, the choice here, in Portland, was limited.

Luckily, God looked well upon us as I was shopping.  I found a place at St. Anthony's that was open, well-lit from sunlight and lights, big garden, space to move, a good sized room, and very friendly staff.  The price was lower than anything else I'd seen, and I felt at home.  I knew Mom would, as well.

As time ticked on Mom began to settle in.  She had activities, and I knew she was safe.  She wasn't driving,  she wasn't near stoves, or anything else that could ignite, and there were activities to keep her mind, body, and soul together.

Despite Mom's "mean as a snake" demeanor when she first arrived, the staff found her easy to work with - except when she was trying to help out.  And, I was able to teach them how to speak with her and gain her respect if they wanted to have her do anything.  It worked.

Mom has a routine she follows.  She has no concept of day, month, or season.  She is able to relax and not worry about much.  I know she puts up her dukes once in a while, but knowing she's safe and content is more than enough.

Coming Up....When Decisions Need to Be Made for Assisted/Memory Care