"Old age is no place for sissies!" - Bette Davis
I can remember the angst of sitting in the passenger seat watching Mom do the driving. If you told her to "Watch Out!" or made any sound that indicated an imminent impact there would be "Stop making me nervous! Do you want to get us into an accident?!" There was no logic in attempting to explain that one had narrowly been avoided - she'd call it "Bosh!" and carry on her merry way.
There is the story of my brother and his wife coming back from dinner with Mom. Mom had insisted on driving. As they went up the hill from the main street to her home she pulled into the wrong lane and proceeded uphill at the regular rate. My brother strongly cautioned her there was another car coming.
"The sun's in my eyes. Stop making me nervous!" she spat back. My brother gripped the door handle tightly while his wife went down onto the floor of the back seat bracing themselves for impact. Fortunately, nothing happened, and somehow this amazed us all.
Mom's driving had been a bone of contention all our lives. It was something out of an amusement park. As one friend stated, "I didn't know if we were in the Indy 500 or a stunt show. She'd speed up and then she'd go to the shoulder and I braced for impact after going off the road and over the cliff!" Such was our experience growing up with Mom driving.
There did come a time when I realized that as she drove she'd opine and opine and opine, chastising for any interruption, including attempts to tell her to turn, or to stop at a stop sign; I'd just hold my tongue and my breath praying we'd make our destination. So, I realized, and I explained to her that for this reason, and this reason only, I would drive so she could opine and speak without the distraction of the road. She actually agreed and thought it a marvelous idea. So, from that day forward I always drove when I was with Mother.
However, Mom lived 250 miles away. None of us had any control over her driving from afar. We knew that even if we had taken away the keys she'd figure out how to get them made and then plot a serious revenge. It just wasn't worth it. We all are in agreement with this.
When her license expired we all knew they'd never renew it without a test that she'd fail. Washington was known to have these rules. HA! They bloody well just issued her a new one, according to her and sent her on her way. Her doctor was absolutely amazed. Mom had just had an accident and she was the only one who knew. The insurance paid, finding fault with the other driver, so she obviously had an evil guardian angel.
The doctor brought up her driving and Mom fired her. Most grievous mortal sin with Mom. You dared not criticize or question her driving. I counseled the doctor on how to get back onto Mom's good side, but it was too late.
So many people came to me telling me we needed to get those keys and her driving rights taken away. Easier said than done. We knew that Mom would march down and purchase a new vehicle no matter what - even if her insurance was expired (which it had a month before she was committed, but due to non-payment).
So, all that aside, and skipping the articles that are full of smarminess and idealism about "Having The Talk", How does one take away driving privileges without falling into the "Pit of the Unforgiven"?
I recall Mom telling me about one of her friends doing just that when it seemed her father was terminal. She sold his car. When he made a miraculous recovery he discovered what she'd done and he disinherited her - giving all his fortune to her children. Her response was to bypass her children and give her lot to charities.
With Mom, it would have been worse. But - - It's also a grave necessity.
But why is it so difficult?
The Parent is Now the Child. This transition is extremely difficult for most, including those involved. Not everyone has a parent that will graciously accede his/her independence, and taking it away is rife with guilt and knowing the end may not be so far in the future.
Fear of Doing it Wrong. Not knowing how that parent will react, especially if they are prone to dramatics and plotting against any perceived wrongs.
Responsibility. Now, there is an added responsibility in transport for that parent. This means finding methods and modes of getting them to their doctors, stores, and events. For many this means finding more time out of their day to make this happen successfully.
Now, how to do it is truthfully beyond me, if you're going to have a happy compromise. One friend moved his mother in with him and he simply took her where she wanted to go. But she was demure, sweet, and very passive without the aggression. I believe she was an anomaly.
I have been given pointers - such as:
1) make the vehicle inoperable and state the parts are hard to find, but you may be able to order them...then bide your time.
2) Hide the keys. Put them out when they aren't in the mood to go anywhere, and then keep hiding them.
3) "Take the car into the shop" and put it into storage...depending on where they are mentally, they may give up.
Yes, these may seem mean, but they have worked for a few people I know.
So, I toss it to you. How did you, or will you, or have you dealt with this issue? It's critical, and the more people can share the better off more will be when the time comes.
I can remember the angst of sitting in the passenger seat watching Mom do the driving. If you told her to "Watch Out!" or made any sound that indicated an imminent impact there would be "Stop making me nervous! Do you want to get us into an accident?!" There was no logic in attempting to explain that one had narrowly been avoided - she'd call it "Bosh!" and carry on her merry way.
There is the story of my brother and his wife coming back from dinner with Mom. Mom had insisted on driving. As they went up the hill from the main street to her home she pulled into the wrong lane and proceeded uphill at the regular rate. My brother strongly cautioned her there was another car coming.
"The sun's in my eyes. Stop making me nervous!" she spat back. My brother gripped the door handle tightly while his wife went down onto the floor of the back seat bracing themselves for impact. Fortunately, nothing happened, and somehow this amazed us all.
Mom's driving had been a bone of contention all our lives. It was something out of an amusement park. As one friend stated, "I didn't know if we were in the Indy 500 or a stunt show. She'd speed up and then she'd go to the shoulder and I braced for impact after going off the road and over the cliff!" Such was our experience growing up with Mom driving.
There did come a time when I realized that as she drove she'd opine and opine and opine, chastising for any interruption, including attempts to tell her to turn, or to stop at a stop sign; I'd just hold my tongue and my breath praying we'd make our destination. So, I realized, and I explained to her that for this reason, and this reason only, I would drive so she could opine and speak without the distraction of the road. She actually agreed and thought it a marvelous idea. So, from that day forward I always drove when I was with Mother.
However, Mom lived 250 miles away. None of us had any control over her driving from afar. We knew that even if we had taken away the keys she'd figure out how to get them made and then plot a serious revenge. It just wasn't worth it. We all are in agreement with this.
When her license expired we all knew they'd never renew it without a test that she'd fail. Washington was known to have these rules. HA! They bloody well just issued her a new one, according to her and sent her on her way. Her doctor was absolutely amazed. Mom had just had an accident and she was the only one who knew. The insurance paid, finding fault with the other driver, so she obviously had an evil guardian angel.
The doctor brought up her driving and Mom fired her. Most grievous mortal sin with Mom. You dared not criticize or question her driving. I counseled the doctor on how to get back onto Mom's good side, but it was too late.
So many people came to me telling me we needed to get those keys and her driving rights taken away. Easier said than done. We knew that Mom would march down and purchase a new vehicle no matter what - even if her insurance was expired (which it had a month before she was committed, but due to non-payment).
So, all that aside, and skipping the articles that are full of smarminess and idealism about "Having The Talk", How does one take away driving privileges without falling into the "Pit of the Unforgiven"?
I recall Mom telling me about one of her friends doing just that when it seemed her father was terminal. She sold his car. When he made a miraculous recovery he discovered what she'd done and he disinherited her - giving all his fortune to her children. Her response was to bypass her children and give her lot to charities.
With Mom, it would have been worse. But - - It's also a grave necessity.
But why is it so difficult?
The Parent is Now the Child. This transition is extremely difficult for most, including those involved. Not everyone has a parent that will graciously accede his/her independence, and taking it away is rife with guilt and knowing the end may not be so far in the future.
Fear of Doing it Wrong. Not knowing how that parent will react, especially if they are prone to dramatics and plotting against any perceived wrongs.
Responsibility. Now, there is an added responsibility in transport for that parent. This means finding methods and modes of getting them to their doctors, stores, and events. For many this means finding more time out of their day to make this happen successfully.
Now, how to do it is truthfully beyond me, if you're going to have a happy compromise. One friend moved his mother in with him and he simply took her where she wanted to go. But she was demure, sweet, and very passive without the aggression. I believe she was an anomaly.
I have been given pointers - such as:
1) make the vehicle inoperable and state the parts are hard to find, but you may be able to order them...then bide your time.
2) Hide the keys. Put them out when they aren't in the mood to go anywhere, and then keep hiding them.
3) "Take the car into the shop" and put it into storage...depending on where they are mentally, they may give up.
Yes, these may seem mean, but they have worked for a few people I know.
So, I toss it to you. How did you, or will you, or have you dealt with this issue? It's critical, and the more people can share the better off more will be when the time comes.
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